Nerves

Today was one of those days that just refused to go as planned. It was frustrating, confusing and a little exasperating. It’s been a while since I’d faced a problem like that. It was a similar feeling to when I couldn’t get my negamax to work, and I’ve definitely been frustrated by the algorithms course, but that felt justified. What I was trying to do was complicated in both scenarios. I had to learn a lot to get to the point to be able to solve the problem. Today was tackling a problem that just shouldn’t have existed. It should have been simple, and it wasn’t. So instead of feeling like we were working really hard to learn something new and implement want we learnt, I think Nick and I felt like we were working really hard, but just to get something working. The feeling at the end of the day was not the feeling of satisfaction that comes with a really tough day of work, it was the feeling that trying to solve this problem was a waste of time because the it shouldn’t have been there in the first place.

I don’t really want to talk about my day of coding right now though. I’d rather write about the problem when it has a happy ending. And also, a frustrating day turned into something else, which for me was more important.

I hate public speaking. I don’t know anyone who actually enjoys it, but there are so many people who just get on with it. I am not one of those people. I find it terrifying, and because of this, have previously avoided it. I don’t want to anymore. I want to be the kind of person who can just give a talk without being so nervous that it’s awkard for everyone involved. The only way I can see becoming that person is to practice. I cannot shy away from opportunities to give talks if I want to get better at public speaking.

So, this evening, I gave a lightning talk.

The most important thing for me this evening was that I really had to force myself to give that talk. I didn’t want to make a big deal of giving it, so I didn’t really tell anyone I was doing it. I didn’t publicly commit to giving it. All I had to do was turn up at the talks night, volunteer to give a talk and give it. No one was forcing me, no one was expecting it of me. I was putting the pressure on myself. I don’t know why this was so important to me. I think it was about testing myself to be the person who wants to give a talk and wants to share something I’ve learnt, rather than feel like I had to give a talk. If I want to be that kind of person, I have to be able to rely on my own determination to do it, not the pressure of others.

And it was hard, because I was nervous. Without a doubt, I considered not going to the meetup in the first place. When I got there, I found mysef secretly hoping that this was the evening where they decided not to hold lightning talks and when the offer was given to give one, I was close to not volunteering. But I did, and I gave the talk and I got some really nice feedback.

One of my favourite ted talks is Your body language shapes who you are where Amy Cuddy talks about the idea that you can fake it until you become it. That’s something I have to do. Previously, when giving talks, I would openly acknowledge that I was nervous and that I hated public speaking because, in general, these were talks and presentations given amongst people I knew. I knew that my nervousness would be accepted and, even if it did affect my talk, it would be forgiven. This isn’t what I want to do anymore, and tonight I actively tried to be a person who was not nervous. I accepted my nervousness, I was mindful of it, but I tried to keep that local to me, and let the person giving the talk be a slightly different version of me, who wasn’t so nervous. I’m not sure I hid my nerves completely, but they were not the defining characteristic of my talk. I’ve just got to keep practicing, keep faking, and hopefully, sometime in the not too distant future, my nerves won’t be a feature at all.